Oldest Daughter

I'm not sure what I want to do in life “career wise”, I've never really felt the urge or drive to do any of that climbing of the corporate ladder. I work because it distracts me from everything, gets me out of the house, and gets me money to maybe someday achieve the only things I want. But sometimes I think I've overworked myself…that I've distanced myself from the hobbies I loved, and friendships I was trying to grow. Nothing feels like it really matters. Everything feels fleeting.

I know I've always wanted to write and be a mom. I've always envisioned myself writing a series of books, reading to my kids, making little cakes and getting little outfits for them, just getting to be free and creative, and doing activities with them. I wanted a house and a husband. I can imagine what colors I'd paint the walls, how I'd decorate, the names I want to give my kids. I still want that, but it seems so hard to reach that one goal I have…or at least it doesn't seem attainable anymore. Especially with the prices of everything and how negative people seem to be…and how close I get to approaching the age I wanted to achieve it by.

I sometimes envy those who knew what they want to do with their lives. Be a doctor or a lawyer, make their way through an art degree, be a teacher…anyone in the trades! Those who had the will and drive to go through years and years of college, and take on debt. At so many points in my life I thought of being a lawyer or an archeologist…but my brain always went back to how much money I'd lose, the anxiety and fear of how far it would drop me away from my dream of owning a house…having a family, getting to do my hobbies as my job. Even if in reality it maybe wouldn't have.

These last few years I've gotten to meet some great people, who truly really saved me or made me feel wanted. Who listen to me and make me feel like my dreams are worth pursuing. Maybe someday I'll figure out if I want to go through school, figure out a career, but for now I'm trying to heal the parts of me I know I'm interested in…hopefully achieve those goals I've had for forever. Life is very short, and our futures are so unsteady right now. The most I can do is try to keep reaching my goals and healing the inner child in myself. Hopefully I'll finish a book soon, and on the other end I'll keep working to hopefully own that home.